For as long as I can remember I’ve had amazing friends. Through each stage of life we gain and often lose friendships as we begin to establish ourselves on our own path. My friend Leah has been my best friend since fourth grade and is most definitely my truest and best friend to date. Above is a picture from my wedding day, we had SO much fun getting ready together. I’m constantly reflecting on the choices I have made throughout my life, blame it on the teacher in me, and I am always drawn to friendships. Why did the friendship fizzle? Was it me? Them? Both?? I could think of a hundred different situations and scenarios about what went wrong but none seem to be a finite breaking point. I was doing some research on the subject, as I was planning to write this post, and found some interesting articles written by practicing psychologists. I really dug deep for this one guys - get ready!!
As I’ve gotten older, I have inevitably had to take on more and more responsibilities, as does any contributing human being in our society. I remember in high school the only real responsibility I had was working at a coffee shop 2 or 3 times a week and doing well in school. My biggest worries at 16 were wearing the right thing to school, impressing my crush to whom I was nonexistent, and covering up the amazing gift of teenage acne. Like I said, not much was going on in the responsibility department. Who could have time for that when you have a senior boy (and I say boy because there are no men in high school, am I right ladies?) that will not quit taking up every single second of your imaginative mind? All that to say, most 16 year old girls were in the same boat as me, therefore we could easily relate to each other and form connections. I had a large group of friends during that time and we spent every weekend together; however, this honeymoon started to end about two years later.
As I started college my priorities started to shift, I didn’t have as much time for friends, I really matured, and I began dating Jay. I didn’t know it then, but I learned a lot about friendships from this period of my life.
Here’s what I learned:
People change over time. Not only was I changing who I was but my friends were changing, or not changing, around me. I started to have different views than some of my closest friends and that was really scary. It was a time in my life where I felt so alone while still being surrounded by so many. That is a really difficult and sometimes painful time to look back on because I lost some amazing friends. Friends that I shared years of my teenage life and made wonderful memories. It does make me sad to think about that loss, but I am a firm believer that everything in your life happens for a reason. I have to believe that without that loss I would not have gained the good that I have in my life now. Growing out of friendships is normal, and although immensely difficult, we have to accept it and move on. Like any relationship that ends time will help it heal.
Expectations are not always clear. In one article I read the author Julie Beck said, “Friendships are unique relationships because unlike family relationships, we choose to enter them. And unlike voluntary bonds, like marriage and romantic relationships, they lack a form of structure.” When you’re married you talk with your spouse everyday, you ask questions about their well being, you make time for them, and your relationship evolves together. When you enter a marriage you take vows to do these things, but there are no vows in a friendship. When I was 18 I expected my friends to come with me to parties, go shopping with me at the drop of a hat, or catch a 10:30 movie on a Thursday night. My expectations quickly changed as I got older. I wanted friends who supported my relationship with Jay, consoled me when I couldn’t find a job, or to have a glass of wine and talk about our love life. When my friends couldn’t fulfill those expectations I started to grow closer to other amazing women who were more like minded. I’m sure for my friends that I lost, I was no longer fulfilling their expectations of what our friendship meant to them. There are grey areas in friendship and sometimes you can come out the other side still holding on but other times you come out empty handed.
I wrote all of this to say that friendship is a balance of holding on when things are good and letting go even when you don’t want to. I have the most amazing friends from all walks of life. I have friends who I’ve known for years, new friends who feel like old friends, and friends that I haven't met yet but I know are out there. Friendships are special bonds and I cherish every past, current, and future friendship I have. I hope this helps you let go of any past relationships that have been causing you heartache. Xoxo
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